I don't think I need to explain much, other than sometimes you hear funny stuff over the years and well I did remember quite a bit of the really cool things... so here's some quotables:
"This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life, you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where to go."
- Unknown.
"I put instant coffe into a microwave oven and I almost went back in time."
- Steven Wright.
"If I look like Sarah Jessica Parker, I look like her after she spent a week in hell, and then a day on the bus out as it broke down in Limbo."
- Laura.
"I want to love but it comes out wrong. I want to live but I don't belong. I close my eyes and I see blood and roses."
- Smithereens from "Blood and Roses".
"Go take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut!"
- Ed.
"If you fart into a cushion, it's just like a stinky land mine."
- Allison.
"At my lemonade stand I used to give away the first glass away for free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote."
- Emo Phillips.
"Spaghetti-O's... day-glo radioactive orange sauce, and I can't place the flavor. Buttcheese maybe?"
- Andy.
"How do blind people know when they're done wiping their ass?"
- Comic's name unknown to me. If you know who said this, please email me.
"Send the animals the SPCA puts to sleep to China... you know they eat dogs and cats there, and the Chinese will pay us for them."
- Barry, on a drunk.
"I'd like to morph into a pair of Salma Hayek's panties for 24 hours... but knowing my luck she'd opt to go without underwear that day."
- Ed watching Desperado.
"People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'"
- Emo Phillips.
"Porn on the 'net's cool 'cuz you can actually have sports on the T.V. and still jerk off."
- Matt.
"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."
- Steven Wright.
"I'm in lust. I could fall madly into bed with her."
- Joe's stock quote when seeng an attractive woman.
"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."
- Hunter S. Thompson.
"I ate a semi-green hot dog today so stay away from me... I might blow any second."
- Matt.
"I'd rather DIE than have a kitten turd up my nose."
- Jeff.
"Bite me. I ate garlic and you might taste it in my sweat."
- Gibby L.
"Doy doy? No... POYIM!!"
- nonsense from Preston.
"I've been munching on this carpet for 4 hours and I still don't feel like a lesbian!"
- Eric Cartman from South Park.
"The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost luggage."
- Mark Russell.
"I believe that you should place a woman on a pedestal, high enough so you can look up her dress."
- Steve Martin.
"My friend George sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire Eatrh on it. On the back he wrote, 'Wish you were here.'"
- Steven Wright.
"Popper's cool. He's this big fat dude with a buttload of harmonicas."
- Gibby L to Jennifer about John Popper from Blues Traveler.
"Faith: not wanting to know what's true."
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
"Both your ex-boyfriends are best friends too... sounds like their dicks are attached together."
- Ed to Mama Ruth and Nancy.
"Making fun of born-again-Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high-powered rifle and scope."
- P.J. O'Rourke.
"It's true, hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?"
- Ronald Reagan.
"I was walking down the street, something caught my eye... and dragged it fifteen feet."
- Emo Phillipa.
"If you don't cook pork all the way through it will kill you!"
- Barry.
"If everything could ever feel this real forever... if anything could ever be this good again... the only thing I ever ask of you: you gotta promise not to stop when I say when..."
- Dave Grohl (Foo Fighters) from "Everlong".
"Shit must taste like chocolate to a dog."
- Matt.
"God created sex. Priests created marriage."
- Voltaire.
"You know corn does run the world... it's a conspiracy."
- Jeff to Andy during a "stone age" period.
"I want to be the all-being, master of time and space... and then I think I wanna go to Europe."
- Steve Martin.
"Penises must run on a different alarm clock."
- Ed to Andy.
"By the way... when you see your mom this weekend, be sure and tell her SATAN!"
- Gibby Haynes (Butthole Surfers) from "Sweat Loaf".
"Next thing you know they'll make us eat Chicken McButtnuggets."
- Gibby L (bored).
"Health is simply the slowest possible rate at which you can die."
- Unknown.
"Psst... say man, I heard you liked read."
- Andy reading a misspelled education poster.
"Get up and get your grandma outta here."
- Gene Simmons (KISS) from "Deuce".
"Beat 'em in the kneecap like Tanya Harding."
- Troy watching football.
"Every once in a while, declare peace; it confuses the hell out of your enemy."
- Ferengi Rule of Acquisition # 76.
"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."
- Unknown.