We're all fucked. It helps to remember that.

Some see the glass as half-empty, some see the glass as half-full. I see the glass as too big.

The sexiest people in the world are probably the most evil also.

Nobody loves a winner who wins all the time, especially Jeff Gordon.

Life's a bitch and then you die, and it's probably a bitch there also.

Try explaining Hitler to a kid.

Can you have just one antic? How about a lone shenanigan? A monkeyshine?

You can't fight city hall, but you can damn sure blow it up.

If you're overweight and getting pictures made soon, pose slim.

If you smell smoke and it smells like cigarettes, don't yell FIRE!!!

A fool and your money are soon my partners.

The only imperfect thing in nature is human nature.

There ought ot be at least one round state or province.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

Everything is still the same. It's just a little different now.

When you buy a six-foot dildo and call it a marital aid, you are stretching not only the anatomy but the limits of credibility.

I agree with Frank Zappa - the only things constant in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

A scary thing is that 80 percent of all people consider themselves above-average drivers.

Everyone is someone else's weirdo.

Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself (and if you're clinically psychotic - masturbate!! Don't multiply).

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

It is impossible to dry one hand.

You can lead a gift horse to water in the middle of the stream, but you can't look him in the mouth and make him drink.

The spouse that snores will fall asleep first.

Murphy's Law states: If anything can go wrong it will. I'd like to add that things go right so that they can go wrong.

In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.

Good times end too quickly. Bad times go on forever.

Things you never hear: "Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police."

"No comment" is a comment.

This is just a waste of space.

Dogs and cats get put to sleep, hogs and cows get slaughtered.

The ultimate rejection: having your hand fall asleep while masturbating.

It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers.

What exactly do you do when the Dalai Lama appears on "Nightline" and you're not satisfied with his answers?

Simon says, go fuck yourself.

A truth: Pavlov's dog trained Pavlov to ring his bell just before the dog salivated.

Great scientific discoveries: jiggling the toilet handle.

Sex is 50 percent of what you have and 50 percent of what other people think you have.

Love is a matter of chemistry. Sex is a matter of physics.

Meow means "woof" in cat.

No boss will keep an employee who is right all the time.

People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either one being made.

If you're starving and the only thng to eat for the next hour and a half is Brussel sprouts, wait.

Shit happens when you take a dump. Life happens every day.

What exactly is "diddley squat?"

McDonald's "breakfast under a dollar" actually costs more than that. You have to factor in the cost of coronary bypass surgery.

If a really stupid person becomes senile, how can you tell?

If cockpit voice recorders are so indestructible, why don't they just build an airplane that's one big cockpit voice recorder?

There was no Big Bang. There was just a Big Hand Job.

The sound of one hand clapping is the same as the sound of a tree falling in the forest when no one is there to hear it.

Some things a king never has to say:
1) Can I play too?
2) Hey guys, wait for me.
3) I never seem to get laid.

Things you never hear Shannon say:
1) Stop eating my pussy or I'll call the cops.
2) Don't roll up that blunt.
3) Ya'll need to stop smoking weed.
4) I don't smoke pot.
5) I never EVER take shots of tequila.
6) I never drink Corona.
7) I never do keg stands.
8) I hate sex.
9) I don't do it doggie-style.
10) Put them handcuffs away.

Poor confetti. It's useful life lasts about two seconds. And it can never be used again.

There are only two places in the world: over here and over there.

Things you never hear the phrase "... is on the fritz" after:
1) The Space Shuttle.
2) A heart-lung machine.
3) A nuclear missle guidance system.
4) Air Force One.
5) Big Ben.
6) A penis or vagina.

Blood is thicker than urine.

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

Rarely does a loose woman have a tight pussy.

The straightest line between a short distance is two points.

Someone said to me, "Make yourself a sandwich." Well, if I could make myself a sandwich, I wouldn't make myself a sandwich. I'd make myself a horny 18-year-old billionaire.

I'd rather be coming.

The keys to America: the cross, the brew, the dollar and the gun.

A meltdown sounds like fun. Like some kind of cheese sandwich.

I'm very lucky. The only time I was ever up shit creek, I just happened to have a paddle with me.