Guru Gibby

Guru Gibby is the omnipotent partner of Mr. Nationwide. Seer of seers, prognosticator of prognosticators... the maniac brainiac... he knows all and sees all. Any question you may ask he will have an answer for.


Where ya from?

Dear Guru...

Dear Guru,
I had a dream I was wandering around my house unwrapping bars of soap and writing silly letters. What does This mean?
(UvulaBob - Dubai, UAE)

You were having a slight Ren and Stimpy-type dream... but you didn't eat the bars of soap... too bad.
Look... this is your brain's way of telling you, "TAKE A FUCKING BATH YOU STINKY MORON!!!" And the notes were little less shocking remimnders to do so OK??

Dear Guru,
Why does my friend always put her left breast in my face?
(Jo Bob - Hell, MI)

Another Bob?? Sheesh...
Quite possibly because you neglected it by favoring the right breast. But there are other possibilties to look into:

  1. Psychic powers: Her left breast is trying to hypnotize you into licking it's nipple and areola.
  2. Obsession: She is obsessed with not only putting her left breast in YOUR face but other people's faces too.
  3. Boredom: Of course boredom is self-explanatory...
Anyway... why complain?? Unless of course you are either homosexual or she is butt-ugly.

Dear Guru,
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
(Vail - Terre Haute, IN)

Well... I have some disturbing news Vail... I am the ultimate God... God is second to me!! I am number one motherfucker!! And what I say goes... I see whatever the hell I want when I take acid, OK?? And when you I trip acid I make YOU see whatever the hell I want to... so don't piss me off.

Dear Guru,
What does Geronimo say after he jumps out of an airplane?
(Bobbo - Scottsdale, AZ)

Geronimo jumping out of an airplane? You've got to be kidding. He was alive before airplanes were invented, buttbrain! But on the hypothesis that he would be alive in today's world, he would yell "MEEEE!!!"

Dear Guru,
Is Jennifer wearing pants?
(Gibby - Roanoke, VA)

If this is the Jennifer I'm familiar with, she is for the time being. Later when we get together... well, just use your imagination (hopefully it will involve bondage).

Dear Guru,
Why is my boyfriend's weiner so small?
(Sheila - Tulsa, OK)

Questions like this deserve a smack in the face to those who ask it, but just allow me to elaborate on several reasons why your beau's penis seems diminutive:

  1. Genetics: The poor shmuck was born with a small penis, so there's not much (except highly expensive surgery) that he can do about it.
  2. An accident: He may have had it accidentally augmented (wartime, hunting, power saws, rabid dogs, Lorena Bobbit, etc.). That's something anyone with a penis is deathly afraid of. If that happened, don't complain... console him. He needs your love.
  3. Illusion: He may really have a big penis, but he's using his fingers to spare you of the immense pain his cock may cause you.
  4. Stupidity: Maybe he can't find you vagina. If that's so, show him how to do it. Men like to be led around.
  5. YOU: His penis may not be small... your vagina may be too big. What you need to do is lay off masturbating with phallic shaped objects of over 6 inches in length. You may notice a difference in about a week or two.

One last note... people with small penises are like the rest of us: they need love, too.

Dear Guru,
Is Ben gay?
(Alan - Baltimore, MD)

Yes... and his last name is Dover.

Dear Guru,
Ther's something hairy and green growing in my refrigerator. What should I do?
(Jackie - New York, NY)

Jackie, anytime you encounter a new lifeform, you have to follow the rules of the Prime Directive - do not interfere with a civilization in any way That will unnaturally accelerate their technology or shock their society. So wait till it gets to big to observe safely, the call Area 51 where they know how to control situations that involve other lifeforms - they cover it up and try to dispose of anyone who gets nosy.